Q & A: Do You Still Want to Act?

My response to the million-dollar question

I get asked this question a lot. I have a long and a short answer. The short answer is, yes. The long answer is, well, a little longer.

One of my first roles was “Fixit” on Dark Angel, a mechanic ;)

I grew up watching television and escaping into the lives of sitcom families and angst-filled teenagers. I think on some level I associated the relief from my own inner longings with the actual actors who showed up on my screen. I admired them and wanted to be like them, but I had no one around me to suggest that it was an attainable dream. I remember hearing of people being “discovered” randomly by agents, so I would wear lip gloss and stand extra straight as I walked through the mall. It was a fantasy, nothing more. Or so I thought. 

I managed to work my way up from being an extra in a Christmas movie to being a series regular on a popular television series. I took the bus across town to auditions on my “lunch break” from a $9/hour office job, until I could afford a car, and then my own apartment. During that time, I learned a lot about myself and what it takes to be a successful actor, but, more importantly, I learned that no amount of fame or affirmation will change the way you feel about yourself. I feel fortunate that I wasn’t thrust into too big a spotlight, and that I earned recognition gradually to a moderate level. Once I had the time and stability to reflect, I went through a period of sincerely questioning my motivation to be an actor and whether it was really about the art, or whether I longed for the external validation I felt being on set and on screen. 

At first, I judged myself and, if I’m honest, all actors. Now, I feel differently. I am in awe of the capacity some people have for authentic human expression. It is an important and essential part of the human experience — to express and be impressed upon. I feel hyper-sensitive to insincere attempts at bringing a script to life, but that just makes the great actors all that more impressive. It takes courage, vulnerability, and strength to study enough that you can surrender to the intelligence of your own experience as an actor. It is not for the lazy or the weak. Luckily, I don’t consider myself either. 

If I am to act, however, it would not simply be for the sake of it. I feel that my life experience has offered me wisdom and a perspective that comes with a moral obligation to give back. If I do, in fact, have a talent for acting, I would like to use it to inspire people, to move people, and to make them think. I would like to challenge myself to reclaim parts of me that I have ignored or denied and show audiences that being human is messy and complicated, and that’s a beautiful thing. I want to collaborate with others who have a clear message and vision — not motivated by making money or flashy sequences — and touch people in ways that help them feel less alone, or perhaps able to process experiences we often shy away from as a society. 

Logistically speaking, I’ll be honest, I don’t put a lot of time into pursuing an acting career. My current role as a writer, a criminal justice and prison reform advocate, among many other things, rank higher than grinding it out in Los Angeles like I did in my early 20s. Perhaps the answer to the question of if I still want to act is “Yes, but not enough.” Or perhaps there will be a person, a project, or an opportunity that I will find or create that will not only not take away from my other endeavors, but align. That is my hope. That is my dream. Let’s see.